{"id":3468,"date":"2021-10-04T15:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-10-04T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mabelslabels.com\/blog\/?p=3468"},"modified":"2022-12-14T18:57:34","modified_gmt":"2022-12-14T18:57:34","slug":"support-for-infant-or-pregnancy-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mabelslabels.com\/blog\/2021\/10\/04\/support-for-infant-or-pregnancy-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Support a Friend Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n

October is\u00a0Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month<\/a>, and it\u2019s important to acknowledge this, raise awareness, and allow mothers touched by special loss to come together and share their experiences.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

1 in 4 women<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0are touched by infant loss, which means that even if you haven\u2019t experienced it, someone you know has or will. The difficulty with infant loss is the stigma and discomfort it brings to those around us. This discomfort stems from the stigma that we shouldn\u2019t talk about it, that women should move forward as though nothing has happened. This couldn\u2019t be more wrong. A big part of breaking the stigma comes from talking and understanding. A big part of healing is through the community.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We spoke with Sandra Kesselman, MSW, RSW, a Professional Social Work clinician, for forty years. The focus of her work has been in the areas of crisis intervention, grief, and loss. In addition, she has worked in several teaching hospitals, both in the United States and Canada, providing counseling services specifically related to oncology, palliative care, grief, and loss. We wanted to know how to help and support a friend so that we not only break the stigma but also that our friends and family are helped through their healing.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

It can be challenging to know how to support a friend going through a special loss. It\u2019s hard to know what to say, and the last thing you want to do is say something that may upset them further. We want to be protective of ours friends, and seeing them hurting is difficult. But, it\u2019s all a part of the process, so we need to support and be there for them. So, we asked Sandra for some tips on how to help a friend experiencing loss. She reminded us that<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\r\n

\u201cWe often want the grieving person to tell us what they need, but they\u2019re usually not in a space to be able to do that, they don\u2019t know what they need and putting that on their shoulders is too much.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\r\n<\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

So she offered these tips and reminders of what we can do to support without putting the burden on the bereaved:\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

1) Ensure good post-natal care:\u00a0<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Remember that after an infant loss, the mother is still often experiencing physical and emotional post-natal symptoms. So along with offering grief support, the mother will also need to be taken care of physically. Keeping in mind, she can still be experiencing post-natal symptoms. So always ensure she is receiving proper post-natal care. Offer to make meals and do any heavy lifting the same way you would physically assist a new mom.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

2) Offer Genuine Support\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Whatever you say, make sure you mean it. The best way of doing this is to keep it honest and straightforward.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\r\n
\r\n

\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m here for you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n

\u00a0\u201cI love you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n<\/blockquote>\r\n<\/figure>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a03) Acknowledge when you don\u2019t know:<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We\u2019re only human, and we don\u2019t always know the right thing. There is no precedent for this type of loss, and everyone experiences it differently. It is okay to acknowledge that you don\u2019t know. If you\u2019ve already shared that you love them and care for them, don\u2019t try and be enlightening, be honest. They will be asking why a lot, don\u2019t try and answer this. You don\u2019t know why either. Just validate the feeling and allow them to continue to question, it\u2019s a part of the process, and these unanswerable questions will take time for the parents to accept.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t understand why either\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what to say, but I\u2019m so sorry this is happening to you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a04) Use the baby\u2019s name- share a memory<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

By using the baby\u2019s name, we acknowledge they sustained a significant loss, and you\u2019re accepting of the loss and the feelings they\u2019re experiencing. So don\u2019t feel afraid to use the baby\u2019s name.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI\u2019m here to talk about Maddy when you\u2019re ready.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Share a memory if you have one. Use their name. \u201cI remember when I got to hold Maddy\u2026.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

5) Be there.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Let them know that you\u2019re here for them and ready to listen when they\u2019re ready to talk. Validate what they\u2019re feeling and experiencing \u201cIt\u2019s normal to feel angry, but it\u2019s not your fault,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s okay to cry,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s okay to feel devastated.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0

Or, say nothing and sit in silence, make a cup of tea, pass them a cozy blanket.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

6) Do something, ask for nothing.<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We have all heard of ways to support a new mom, and the ways to help a grieving mom are no different. Start a food train, clean the house, offer a lift to appointments, bring groceries over. These small gestures allow the bereaved time not to worry about daily tasks that can be overwhelming. It\u2019s simple to do, and you can provide this support silently, allowing the parents some time.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

One grieving mom shared that an Uber eats gift card given to the family was the best gift they received, \u201cit made those evenings when we couldn\u2019t manage dinner so easy. It gave us options and was something different from the frozen meals we\u2019d been eating every night.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a07) Continue Support<\/strong>\u00a0<\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Remember that grief doesn\u2019t disappear after one visit. It will be with them for a long time. So keep the support ongoing \u201cCan I check in with you later\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ll call you again in the morning\u201d and then make sure you do. If a partner is returning to work, it may be an excellent time to offer to go for a walk together. Be there over the weeks and months to come.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a06) Offer to help memory making and keepsakes\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a0<\/strong>Often families will feel unsure about making memory boxes or keepsakes. But Sandy suggests that this is a good part of the grief process. For example, helping a grieving mom make some memories with a photo book or scrapbook of memories.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a0
Here are a few things you should AVOID doing:\u00a0<\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

1) Don\u2019t offer platitudes, especially early on<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Anything beginning with \u201cat least\u2026\u201d stop yourself right there. They don\u2019t want to hear it. By saying these platitudes, you\u2019re diminishing the loss, e.g. \u201cat least you can have more kids\u201d \u201cat least they\u2019re in a better place\u201d none of these familiar platitudes are helpful.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

2)<\/strong>\u00a0Don\u2019t share your own story<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

It just isn\u2019t the right time, and although you may understand how they\u2019re feeling, it\u2019s not going to help them.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

3) Don\u2019t put limits on how or how long they should grieve<\/strong><\/h6>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

It\u2019s so individual, and everyone copes differently. Nobody ever gets over it. They learn to adjust and live with the loss. Allow them the freedom to feel this completely, and never put limitations on their grief.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

How supporting a friend may change the relationship:\u00a0<\/strong><\/h5>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Over time, it\u2019s normal if talking with friends changes the balance of a friendship. It\u2019s natural for a friend to grow tired of hearing and talking about the loss. There is only so much they can say or do. Friendship should be balanced, and when you start to feel the friendship is losing its balance, it becomes an excellent time to encourage your grieving friend to get help. At this time, encourage counseling or joining support groups. Although grief has no timeline, some people may feel they\u2019re unable to cope for a more extended period, your friend or family member may need professional support if they\u2019re still really struggling to cope with daily life. If they\u2019re withdrawn, struggling to sleep, turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms. In her work line, Sandra added that although not everyone experiencing grief needs professional help, she finds that infant loss is one type of grief that can always benefit from professional resources. The other is by suicide.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Many support groups are tailored to precisely what they have been through (Miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirth, etc.) Sandra stresses the importance of these groups and says she has seen lifelong friendships stem from this kind of support group.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\r\n

\u00a0\u201cGroup Support is invaluable.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\nSandra kesselman<\/cite><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\r\n
https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=y_8ihBaIfuc<\/div>\r\n<\/figure>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a0If you feel you need further support to deal with your grief or you\u2019re struggling to cope, it\u2019s imperative that you reach out and get the professional help you need.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

October is\u00a0Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and it\u2019s important to acknowledge this, raise awareness, and allow mothers touched by special loss to come together and share their experiences.\u00a0 1 in 4 women\u00a0are touched by infant loss, which means that even if you haven\u2019t experienced it, someone you know has or will. The difficulty with<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":20,"featured_media":3469,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,2,12,1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-3468","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mom-moments","8":"category-parenting","9":"category-pregnancy","10":"category-uncategorized"},"yoast_head":"\nSupport for infant or pregnancy loss<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Expert tips from a grief counselor on how to support a friend through infant or pregnancy loss. 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