{"id":6484,"date":"2025-06-12T13:59:37","date_gmt":"2025-06-12T13:59:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mabelslabels.com\/blog\/?p=6484"},"modified":"2025-07-25T13:54:00","modified_gmt":"2025-07-25T13:54:00","slug":"are-they-a-boy-or-girl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mabelslabels.com\/blog\/2025\/06\/12\/are-they-a-boy-or-girl\/","title":{"rendered":"What to Say When Your Child Asks, \u201cIs That a Boy or a Girl?”"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was in line at the grocery store when my daughter looked at me and, referring to the cashier, asked (loudly) \u201cis that a boy or a girl?\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Cue the internal panic. Do I whisper? Redirect? Pretend I didn\u2019t hear? These moments catch many of us off guard\u2014not because our kids are doing something wrong, but because we want to get it right.<\/p>\n

I remembered something a friend once told me: You don\u2019t need all the answers. You just need one thing\u2014kindness.<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong> (This was about people with disabilities, but the same rule can apply). So, I decided to model kindness in the face of curiosity or confusion – I taught my daughter that people are never something to be whispered about\u2014they\u2019re to be respected, always.<\/p>\n

Why Kids Ask “Is That a Boy or Girl?”<\/h2>\n

Back to me\u2014in the checkout line\u2014trying to balance respect, accuracy, and the burning need to say something helpful before the moment passed. These questions aren\u2019t rude; they\u2019re honest. My daughter, like all kids, are still learning the world, and this is one way they try to make sense of it.<\/p>\n

Gender is one of the earliest things kids notice. But what they\u2019re really asking is: Where does this person fit?<\/em> Are they like me?<\/em> When we treat these questions with calm and curiosity, we allow our kids to explore and understand, without shame or confusion.<\/p>\n

What to Say in the Moment (Real-Life Scripts)<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s tempting to shush our kids or change the subject when they ask something awkward. But those moments are golden chances to model empathy and curiosity. Shushing sends the message that the person they\u2019re asking about is too \u201ctaboo\u201d to talk about\u2014as if their identity is something to be hidden or ashamed of.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t need a perfect answer to “is that a boy or girl?” \u2014just a calm, kind one that keeps the door open for future conversations.<\/p>\n

When Toddlers and Preschoolers ask, “is that a boy or a girl?”<\/h5>\n
\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t always know if someone\u2019s a boy or a girl by looking at them. And that\u2019s okay. What\u2019s most important is that we\u2019re kind.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

For School-Aged, More Curious Kids<\/h5>\n
\n

\u201cGood question. Sometimes people don\u2019t look like what we might expect from a boy or girl. And some people feel a little bit like both, or neither. And that’s okay.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s important is that we respect who people say they are.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I went with the latter (or something along those lines) I knew I didn’t need to identify or label the person my daughter was referring to\u2014just keep the focus on kindness and respectful observation. This show the person you’re speaking of, that this is a safe and respectful place – they may jump in and talk about it. Either way, we showed kindness.<\/p>\n

How to Talk About Pronouns with Kids<\/h2>\n

Once we left the store, I continued the conversation, we talked about pronouns<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Explaining pronouns can be really simple, especially if you start with the idea that pronouns are just words we use to help people feel seen and respected. Most kids already understand that they\u2019re called \u201cshe\u201d or \u201che\u201d or \u201cthey\u201d\u2014and that people want to be called the right name. That\u2019s my starting point.<\/p>\n

I told my daughter:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cYou know how we call you \u2018she\u2019 and your friend Elliot \u2018he\u2019? That\u2019s because that\u2019s what feels right for each of you. Some people use \u2018they\u2019 because that\u2019s what fits them best.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Normalize it. I don\u2019t over-explain. I keep it casual.<\/p>\n

If I had not been so caught off guard in the store, I could have led by example and taught my daughter respectful ways to ask about someone’s pronouns.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cHi! Just wondering\u2014what pronouns do you use?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy child is learning about pronouns\u2014can we ask how you\u2019d like to be referred to?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Showing my child that it\u2019s okay to ask respectful questions\u2014and that grown-ups can learn too\u2014proves how easy and comfortable these conversations can be when led with kindness and respect.<\/p>\n

Age-Appropriate Ways to Explain Gender Identity<\/span><\/h2>\n

I don\u2019t have to dive into deep definitions<\/a> to introduce the concept of gender identity, or answer the question ‘Is that a bor or girl?”\u00a0 It\u2019s really just about helping kids understand that not everyone feels the same way on the inside as they might look on the outside\u2014and that\u2019s okay. Kids are often more far open-minded than we give them credit for (and far more open-minded and loving than many adults I know)<\/p>\n

For Toddlers and Preschoolers<\/h5>\n
\n

\u201cSome people are boys, some are girls, and some people are a bit of both\u2014or neither. Everyone is different, and we treat everyone how we would like to be treated.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

For Elementary-Aged Kids<\/h5>\n
\n

\u201cMost people are assigned boy or girl when they\u2019re born, but as they grow up, they might feel different inside. It\u2019s not something we can always see\u2014and it\u2019s not something we need to fix. We just treat people with kindness.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

If they ask, \u201cBut what ARE they?\u201d\u00a0 respond:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThat\u2019s up to them. The best way to know is to listen to what they tell us about themselves, and respect that”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

What If You\u2019re Unsure\u2014or Don\u2019t Have All the Answers?<\/h2>\n

I\u2019ll admit\u2014there have been times when my daughter has asked something, and I had no idea how to answer. But one of the most powerful things I can say as a parent is:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, but I\u2019m glad you asked. Lets find out together!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019m showing her that learning doesn\u2019t stop with grown-ups\u2014and that questions are welcome, being curious, and learning is a good thing!. I know that I\u00a0 don\u2019t have to be an expert. I just have to be open to learning and respecting.<\/p>\n

It’s Simple: Keep It Kind<\/h2>\n

When my kids ask these types of questions, I remind myself: this is a good thing. They\u2019re noticing, they\u2019re thinking, and they\u2019re trusting me enough to ask. That\u2019s parenting gold. I don\u2019t need a flawless answer. I just need to be someone who listens, models empathy, and isn\u2019t afraid to say, \u201cThat\u2019s a good question.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not just teaching my daughter about gender\u2014I\u2019m teaching her how to be a kind, respectful human in a diverse world. And that? That matters way more than me getting every answer right.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was in line at the grocery store when my daughter looked at me and, referring to the cashier, asked (loudly) \u201cis that a boy or a girl?\u201d Cue the internal panic. Do I whisper? Redirect? Pretend I didn\u2019t hear? These moments catch many of us off guard\u2014not because our kids are doing something wrong,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,1],"tags":[201,1330],"class_list":{"0":"post-6484","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-parenting","7":"category-uncategorized","8":"tag-parenting","9":"tag-pride-month"},"yoast_head":"\nWhat to say when your child asks, \u201cis that a boy or girl?"<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What to say when your child asks, \u201cis that a boy or girl?\u201d How to answer, talk about pronouns & gender identity with respect and kindness\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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