We know that a child’s deepest need, above all else, is to feel loved. Kids who feel loved tend to have fewer mental health challenges, are more emotionally stable, and are more likely to build healthy, emotionally secure relationships as they grow.
Many parents assume that unconditional love is enough. We say “I love you,” hug, kiss, and show affection daily. But sometimes the way we express love doesn’t match the way our child receives love. Even repeated “I love you’s” may not have the effect we hope for. Each child experiences love differently, and as parents, we may unintentionally miss the mark.
Why Parents Need to Be Intentional About Showing Love
Parents often show love the way they themselves prefer to receive it. The same goes for siblings; what works for one child may not make another feel loved. Understanding your child’s love language can transform your relationship, improve discipline, and create a calmer, happier household.
Key benefits of knowing your child’s love language:
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Show love in ways that truly resonate
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Improve behavior and discipline
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Strengthen emotional bonds
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Better understand motivation and temperament
What Is a Child’s Love Language?
Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages of Children, is a popular resource for understanding how kids feel loved. According to Chapman, there are five primary love languages:
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Words of Affirmation
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Quality Time
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Physical Touch
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Gift Receiving
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Acts of Service
Every child has a primary love language, and identifying it can help parents show love effectively and support their child’s emotional well-being.
How to Identify Your Child’s Love Language
Finding a child’s love language takes observation, patience, and experimentation. Watch how your child reacts to different expressions of love and notice what makes them light up, relax, or feel most secure.
1. Words of Affirmation
Children with words of affirmation as their primary love language thrive on praise, encouragement, and verbal expressions of love.
Signs:
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They ask for your thoughts or feedback
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They frequently tell you “I love you”
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Compliments and encouragement make them feel valued
Examples:
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“I love you”
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“Great job on your test today”
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“You’re a great sister”
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“You inspire me”
Tips:
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Praise effort, not just perfection
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Avoid negative words; they can have a lasting emotional impact
Not their love language if:
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Compliments are ignored, brushed off, or cause embarrassment
2. Quality Time
Kids with quality time as their primary love language feel loved through undivided attention.
Signs:
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They ask to spend time with you or share what they’re doing
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They enjoy activities like games, reading, or outings together
Tips:
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Create intentional moments free from distractions (phones, TV, multitasking)
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Even short periods of quality time can make a big difference
Be careful:
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Brushing off requests for attention can deeply hurt children whose love language is quality time
3. Physical Touch
Some children express and feel love through physical touch, from hugs and snuggles to hand-holding or back rubs.
Signs:
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They initiate hugs, cuddles, or other forms of touch
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They’re comfortable showing affection in public
Tips:
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Continue physical affection as children grow, especially during puberty
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Even small touches, like a hand on the shoulder, communicate love
Be aware:
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Some kids, including children with special needs, may feel uncomfortable with touch
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For daughters, consistent physical affection helps reduce body shame
4. Gift Receiving
Kids whose primary love language is gift receiving feel loved through thoughtful, meaningful gifts.
Signs:
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They treasure even small gifts
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They enjoy tokens of appreciation, keepsakes, or surprises
Tips:
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It doesn’t have to be expensive; meaningful gestures matter more than price
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Surprises like a small rock, shell, or a cute label can show love
Be aware:
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Missing birthdays or special occasions can feel hurtful to children whose love language is gift receiving
5. Acts of Service
Children with acts of service as their primary love language feel loved when parents do thoughtful actions for them.
Signs:
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They appreciate help with tasks or small gestures
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They may ask for help with things they can do themselves
Tips:
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Use acts of service to teach life skills while showing love
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Simple gestures like fluffing a pillow or helping with chores can mean a lot
Be aware:
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Balance is key; don’t do everything for them
Why Understanding Your Child’s Love Language Matters
Finding your child’s love language can make discipline, motivation, and daily life easier. Kids respond better to rules and consequences when they feel loved and understood.
Even if you’re unsure of their primary love language, showing love through all five methods creates a nurturing, happy household. You’re never too late to start observing, experimenting, and acting intentionally to meet your child’s emotional needs.
✅ Pro Tip: For older kids, you can have them take the official 5 Love Languages quiz to discover their love language and guide your relationship more effectively.
